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Post by Miss Kitka on Jun 13, 2006 21:34:53 GMT -5
Nine months ago today I lost a very good friend. He wasn't someone I'd ever met but between emails, phone calls and letters I grew to love him.
He helped me make a life changing and, I would later realize, life saving decision.
His last acts have never made sense to me, and some have claimed he suffered mental illness, but I never saw, heard or felt any sign of that.
He spoke consistently of honour, duty and justice. Perhaps it was a code of honour that didn't belong in this or the last century but I just feel in my heart that what he did was for reasons he felt was, as he put it, "his nuclear option".
I think he knew well the firestorm it would leave behind, the strong emotions it would ignite and quite frankly I think his only regret would have been not being able to join in. He was the most open person to any discussion I've ever known despite his own strong feelings.
And I'm sorry, but this wasn't a man bent of self-destruction. No one could ever convince me of that. His response to the well wish "Break a leg" before a performance was a hearty retort, "Yes love, whose shall it be?"
Think what you will of what you've heard, it's a free world and you're entitled, but understand I miss him. I miss the man I got to know, perhaps it was just the man I thought he was, but that man was always there with support, always resolute and decisive in encouraging the people he knew to protect themselves, to seek their truth, to risk their adventure.
I felt safe knowing him and wish he was here still. I'd yell at him for what he did, no matter what the reason, because whatever it was, whatever justification he would offer, it simply wasn't worth it.
The world is darker for his absence. Quieter and less stimulating.
MX - I miss you.
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Post by gaz on Jun 16, 2006 5:39:59 GMT -5
i couldn't have said it any better. thank you for sharing that
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John Sandra Huculiak
Guest
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Post by John Sandra Huculiak on Sept 11, 2006 13:01:16 GMT -5
Greetings to you all, I do not know how many people are still reading this message board, but we wanted to try a get the friends of Malcolm together this Wednesday evening to eat Steak & Chocolate in joyous revelry in honour of our good friend. If you are interested in this, please e-mail heretic@bellnet.ca or call us at 416-364-4806.
Never Forgotten & Always Near.
Until later, peace be with you all,
John & Sandra
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Post by turalura on Sept 12, 2006 11:11:40 GMT -5
Today is the anniversary of the loss of both my grandmother as well as one of my dearest friends. I miss them both greatly!
I will always remember the good times, the love and all that was shared.
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Post by ShowbizPRgirl on Sept 12, 2006 12:48:50 GMT -5
Yesterday I was preparing a special tribute to mark the one year anniversary of Mal's death. Light a candle, say a prayer... But today I mourn the loss of someone else I loved deeply. Early this morning, my 4 year old pet rabbit, Xander, died in my arms and I've just returned from burying him. This is going to be a rough week. Kelly J. Compeau www.myspace.com/showbizprgirl
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Post by Miss Kitka on Sept 13, 2006 6:29:07 GMT -5
I was drawn back here for the first time in months not expecting to see anything. All the boards he frequently seemed to have withered in his absence, none more than this one.
Imagine my surprise to see that others have had the same thought. I am far to far away from Toronto to join in any of the commemmorations, but it does warm my heart that I won't be alone.
A candle will be lit but first I'm finding some Boddingtons!
What a sad day...
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Post by First Leftenant on Sept 13, 2006 8:16:52 GMT -5
i've been checking but having nothing to say has kept me from adding anything. i'm glad people are thinking about him and i'm glad GAZ hasn't removed his smiley icons even though the character of Finn is changing. take care everyone
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Post by CymRic on Sept 13, 2006 11:34:17 GMT -5
Malcolm was one of my very oldest and dearest friends. We met in theatre school in the early 1980’s and I came to consider him the closest thing I had to a brother. I spoke at both his memorial and funeral. After the later I helped to place his casket (The MXiCasket TM, as a certain mutual friend called it) upon the machinery that lowered it into the ground. I helped to bury him, as we all literally took shovels and placed the earth over Malcolm’s mortal remains ourselves.
Needless to say, I miss him greatly, today especially.
One year to the day since he took his life, and still a sense of unreality comes over me on occasion. The momentary disbelief that he is gone. Perhaps this is because he comes into my thoughts at least once a day, even if only for a moment. Over the past year I have marked his birthday, observed our 22nd annual Burton Day drinking binge as a solo and now the face of one year without him looks back at me from the shadows. It is a bitter and empty thing. I thought I was alone in all of this, yet now I see that a group of people from the Spacecast board makes the pilgrimage I plan for this one year mark, but do so on the 11th of each month. It warms the very heart to know that I am in fact not the only one who still believes that Ian Antony Malcolm Xerxes is worth remembering. Perhaps tonight we’ll find each other and raise a toast together.
CymRic
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Post by CymRic on Sept 13, 2006 19:15:29 GMT -5
I have 911 on the brain. I meant to say "but do so on the 13th of every month". No matter.
I was at the pier at the very anniversary moment of 4:10 PM today, along with another person close to this board and to Malcolm, but we saw no one else ever remotely connected to the reason we were there. Same with the Meadowvale cemetery. Ah, well.
I still maintain that he was the finest man who ever breathed.
CymRic
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Post by gaz on Sept 13, 2006 20:14:19 GMT -5
I still maintain that he was the finest man who ever breathed. CymRic "So say we all" And for those who weren't able to make it to the cemetery today, or haven't been yet (it was my first time) here is a picture of the marker for his permanent home, a far cry from a proper headstone (many of his friends want to see that corrected) but it is a touching tribute that the generic marker has been so well "MALCOLM'd". Take care
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Post by ColinH on Sept 13, 2006 20:19:17 GMT -5
I had to work a 12 hour shift today, unavoidably, so I couldn't make it to Mississauga today to mark things, as I'd hoped. I don't really mind that I can't get to the cemetery until Friday, though, as I'm certain I carried more of Malcolm around with me at work today in my memories and feelings for him than will ever live in that vacant space where his body was placed.
In fact, the moment that we reached that cusp where the scents of departing summer collide with those of approaching fall when the weather cooled at month's head, I began to be deluged with powerful sense-memories of the time we lost Malcolm last year. Every day has been so full of rememberings for the last couple weeks that there was no need to plan any specifically for today once I knew I had to be at work. Well, I DID play King Crimson's 'Lizard' and Yes' 'Close To The Edge' back to back in the afternoon, I guess, and I started the day with stuff from 'Help!' because MX and I watched it together so often. I do regret not being able to join our mutual friends in Port Credit today, though. Being there for each other is the subject of the year's lesson in many ways. That, and accepting people are there for you.
Sense memory is so immediate and visceral it's one of the closest things to time travel that I know, yet it is strange how that time feels so close in that sort of recollection.... I constantly see this apple I stared at in uncomprehension in the churchyard outside where the memorial service was held in Port Credit whenever i close my eyes.
...and yet, in many other ways, it feels as if it's been ages since my friends was alive, and eons since we've had to roll the heavy emotional stone of his loss around day to day life with us. Strange how one time can seem both within scent, and as far away as the moon.
I have a necklace that I bought about the same time as Mark and Malcolm and I started our band, a stone circle pendant that I came to consider my 'band necklace; and always wore at rehearsals, sessions and shows, or superstitiously rued having forgotten, as blame for anything that went wrong. I sort of retired it, like a hockey jersey, at the end of last year, but I put it on today, and on MX's birthday and stuff. I have to say the heavy stone weight on my heart today was a bit literal of a representation to bear for a bit...
I started to write in my journal about how I felt when I got to work, and got precisely one paragraph before I totally melted down. Somehow, I hadn't expected that, I don't know why... it's certainly happened enough times in the past year. Last year, I would have got my boss to let me go home. But I know how pissed Malcolm would be if he thought I was still using his death after all this time to excuse myself from life, so I made myself pull it together, and tried to put my energy into what I could do for anyone else to make things more pleasant for them instead. Worked quite well, actually. I adjusted. You have to. It feels like betraying something, but it's actually the opposite, and I know he'd say so to me to my face... occasionally, shows up in dreams to do just that, actually.
Much love and support to all who are hurting today and beyond for the loss of our friend, but no need to fret about where you are on this globe (or beyond) in your remembrance, what lives of him is there with you, and connects us all.
Love, Colin Halyk
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Post by ShowbizPRgirl on Sept 13, 2006 23:39:07 GMT -5
I'm so glad to see that others are sharing in my grief, even after all this time. It makes the pain in my heart a little easier to bear today. KJC www.myspace.com/showbizprgirl
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Post by CymRic on Sept 14, 2006 1:30:26 GMT -5
“...and yet, in many other ways, it feels as if it's been ages since my friend was alive, and eons since we've had to roll the heavy emotional stone of his loss around day to day life with us. Strange how one time can seem both within scent, and as far away as the moon.”
Very well put, Colin. A pithy summing up that is, indeed. Always had a talent for that, you. And myself as well, I suppose, given the number of times I can recall his having commented upon it over the years. God, the years. 20 plus, the two of us. It pummels me now as I think of it. No worries about your work commitments having kept you busy. Hell, Malcolm understood living up to one’s contractual obligations better than anyone I’ve ever known. He would have understood, nay, demanded, that you do your job.
The sun came out today, or rather yesterday, just after 4:10. A miserable day of unrelenting drizzle and wind, then almost at the very moment of the unfortunate anniversary the clouds over Port Credit Harbour melted away and we were bathed in sunlight. These are the moments I crave. The like having been sorely lacking since the very day we planted the man and the lights went out (those who know, know what I mean). I don’t for an instant believe that Malcolm had anything to do with this sudden break in the weather from beyond the grave, but I am grateful for anything I can get. I even looked up and thanked him for it (should he have had anything to do with it, which, as I’ve said, I don’t believe he did in any way, shape or form).
Gaz -- Thanks for posting the photo of the “176” marker. Makes my additions to it look positively artistic. Let me say again, if I didn’t make it clear earlier, just how grateful for and glad of your company I was and am. Incidentally, my cell phone call about the steak and chocolate came to nothing but voice mail, so I went home. You were right and I should have placed the call earlier. But then I wouldn’t be free to wade through my memories and write this missive now, would I?.
I spent the bulk of this evening going through those things of Malco’s that I’ve held onto from the time of The Great Sorting. So many of them are like arias of memory, each one requiring that I look at it and then spend the next 15 minutes mulling over its significances and attendant images. I could spent the rest of the week doing this….
What a stinking awful bloody day. Oh, and in case anyone cares to know? Boddington’s (which I took a pint of while Gaz had a more civilized drink, this in the bar just off the Port Credit pier) is, in my humble opinion, in a damned awful beer. Both bitter and astringent with a deceptively creamy top, it is a brew in conflict with itself. How’s that for an apt Malcolmian metaphor? I am nevertheless glad to have raised a pint that I know he would have liked on this day, and to his memory. “To absent friends”, as is as true as it gets. But I still think you have to be from Manchester to actually enjoy the taste. It’s a Malcolm obligation beer. He would have laughed and laughed and laughed.
I would love to end this up a pithy summing of up. One that Malcolm would have commented upon with appreciation, but I’ve got nothing. Nothing but a hole in my heart where my brother used to be and the very real sense that we will never see his like again. Rest in peace doesn’t do it. Be restless and come tip over my pint doesn’t do it. Fact is that I want him back and I know that can never be.
The thirteenth is a jagged tooth.
CymRic (Richard Trevor-Williams)
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Post by gaz on Sept 14, 2006 5:39:53 GMT -5
"The thirteenth is a jagged tooth."
I GROK THE FULLNESS OF THAT TOTALITY!
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Post by Adam on Sept 14, 2006 18:26:20 GMT -5
I spent the bulk of this evening going through those things of Malco’s that I’ve held onto from the time of The Great Sorting. So many of them are like arias of memory, each one requiring that I look at it and then spend the next 15 minutes mulling over its significances and attendant images. I could spent the rest of the week doing this…. You're a braver man than I, Richard. Besides the cursory lookover last year, the stack of Mal's things in my posession have remained largely untouched except for the couple of pairs of signature sunglasses I gave to friends of his. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of the pile, and don't look forward to the time when I'll have to sort it out. I'm losing my words... I miss him. Adam
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